You’ve seen all the new releases that Hollywood puts out in January and February. I actually like some.
In late January, in need of a new ritual, I decided to start going to the movies every Friday night. In my town in Ohio, I watch any movie that starts between 6:45 and 7:30 and ends at 9:45 or so. I smuggle a burrito, or some Kroger sushi, for dinner, and buy $3 theater nachos as a supplement and penance. I’ll tell my friends, and they can come if they want. If not, I’ll go alone.
I quickly fell in love with my new maneuver. I’ve found that if I go to the movies on a Friday, when I’m too busy to do a lot of things, it feels like the weekend a lot long. Plus, skipping the baby’s bedtime at least once a week takes a psychological burden off my neck. The only problem? The habit just so happens to start at a time of year that former Grantland magazine called “Dumpuary”: January and February, when the worst and strangest movies go to die.
Dumpuary has been gloomier than usual this year, due to the strangeness of the post-strike and post-pandemic movie production line, which has everyone in Hollywood fearful that the 2024 box office will be terrible. From January to April of this year, Deadline warned, late 2023 would see the worst of it: just 31 large-scale releases, far fewer than in the corresponding period of 2023, and not by much. symbol picture– A must-see holiday hit that will attract latecomers to theaters in the new year.
My city has two theatres, one of which is partially closed for some significant renovations. A fully open film is not the kind of movie that only keeps Oscars for a reason. Both of these facts would greatly increase Dombware’s influence here. Continuing my efforts, I decided to record the places my adventure took me, including a movie whose name is literally the same Bad land. My findings are below.
Week 1: beekeeper. It doesn’t make sense to have one person given vigilante power by the government, and for that person to be called a “beekeeper,” but it does make a lot of sense that a movie about evil crooks conning Grandma Getting Bees by Jason Statham would be fun. In one scene, one of the villains points a gun at the beekeeper’s head and says, “To be or not to be, that is the question.” The guard replies, “I choose to be a bee.” And then it kicks ass. Yes!
Total US box office receipts to date: $63.1 million.
Week 2: Anyone but you. This romance, between a law student and a financier, makes no sense, except when Sidney Sweeney and Glen Powell are talking to each other, at which point my internal organs have turned to goo. My stage was full of young couples, which was weird – there was no way anyone’s girlfriend or boyfriend would look good compared to any of these young goddesses. But what do I know! I was alone eating the humble California roll and chatting away. I recorded “Unwritten” on Spotify on the way home and sang my heart out.
Total US box office receipts to date: $87 million.
Week 3: Lisa Frankenstein. I can’t believe my handsome ex-Riverdale-Cole Sprouse decided to make a movie in which he was a stumbling, mumbling corpse for 90 percent of his screen time. Or maybe I can? This story was written by Diablo Cody and is a horror comedy with an 80s vibe. I liked Kathryn Newton as the gothic teenage girl who falls in love with this dead man, but by the end, I felt a little sorry for the people who were killed so Lisa could give her Frankenstein’s hands and a penis. I’m a bit of a baby, I guess!
Total US box office receipts to date: $9.4 million.
Week 4: Bad land. This story, about some Special Forces guys who do slow, smooth and fast walks really well, has two non-Chris Hemsworths, and I often find myself confused as to which one is which. In the film, the Hemsworths and fellow hardened agent Milo Ventimiglia (!) struggle to get out of a sticky situation in a Philippine jungle, where they find themselves fighting an evil rebel of some sort, whose politics were very vague to me. Russell Crowe is the drone operator at the base who gives directions on communications, and he’s just as good at it as these guys are at doing the walking. This may have been imperialist propaganda, but you know what? I liked that.
Total US box office receipts to date: $3.6 million.
The fifth week: Driving away dolls. Ethan Coen and Tricia Cooke’s long-running comedy about two lesbian friends who decide to move out of the city and end up getting embroiled in an adventure found a very charming use of Margaret Qualley, the attractive half of the duo who is wise, loose and charismatic. It was either that or try to find some enjoyment in it Madame WebI think this was the right choice. I had friends with me on this story, and one of them, a southerner, said that Qualley’s Texas accent wasn’t great. oh well! I fell in love with him.
Total US box office receipts to date: $2.4 million.
at the end of this week, Sand dunes 2 It hits, thus ending my Dumpuary. But I think I will keep this habit. If you don’t live in a city like mine where you can watch movies for $5-$7 (I know, I know), or you have more obligations than I do on Friday nights, it can be hard to embrace. But if you decide to just go to the movies, whatever that may be, there’s something pure about throwing yourself at the mercy of Hollywood. Look at me: I survived five weeks of Dombware, and I didn’t even have to subject myself to it Bob Marley: One Love!
